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Defining My Terms: 3. Kink* (a.k.a. BDSM)
Defining My Terms: 3. Kink* (a.k.a. BDSM)
The third in my series defining some terms that are important to me - these articles are not so much about explaining what these things mean to everybody, but what they mean to me in particular.
I find it interesting, that it was very easy for me to write about bisexuality, but quite hard to put kink into words. It's not that I'm ashamed - I love being a 'pervert', and I've spoken about it publically, for that matter. Putting a finger on what it means to me though, even when it's been a part of my sexuality for as long as I remember - that's tough! Since I find myself wanting to talk more about related things in my journal though, I think it's about time I laid the groundwork!
What is BDSM?
For anyone who doesn't know what BDSM stands for, it's a compound abbreviation combining B&D - That is Bondage and Discipline, D/s - that is, Dominance and Submission, and S/M - sadism and masochism. In other words, lots of fun!
While it can sound scary, the banner of BDSM covers everything from light spanking whilst tied up with scarves and 'sensation play' such as stroking each other with fluffy things, to consensually chopping bits off people (no, I don't do this, and think it's generally a bad idea!). The overarching theme in all of these scenarios however is playing with 'power' - giving another person a level of access to your body, or your behaviour, that they otherwise would not have (or vice versa, of course). Trusting someone else to make the decisions for you, over a period of anything from minutes to an entire lifestyle. It's this aspect of taking things out of the norm, especially as a 'switch' that I find most fascinating.
Why do I love it?
The joy of D/s for me is that it cuts out doubt: Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing things in the right way, or in the right place? Should I be doing something else? Am I being too selfish, and wanting more than my partner is willing to give?
For me, both bondage and D/s have a similar feeling of freedom, and connection to the person I'm playing with.
As a 'submissive', or person who is being taken charge of, I find the freedom to enjoy whatever is being done to me (or what I'm being ordered to do myself), in the full knowledge that my partner can stop anytime they like, that they're only doing things that please *them*, and any pleasure that comes my way is all the more precious knowing that it's something my partner wants. As a 'dominant' or person who is in charge, I get to be queen - every decision I make is the right one. My partner can plead if he or she likes, and I am quite entitled to go whichever way I feel (observing negotiated limits and the laws of physics, of course). For me, every scene in which I'm dominant feels like a work of art. (Perhaps this is the painter in me speaking!)
D/s is about connecting on a mental level much more than a physical one - it's a more intense connection than any other, and it's no coincidence that I'm a hell of a lot pickier about partners for D/s than for anything else (and I'm pretty picky to begin with).
S&M? That's a bit different for me. As a hedonist, my attraction to pain is all about chasing endorphin highs. It's not about being turned over a knee and told I'm a Bad Girl (if anything, it's a reward for me), although I know some people are more inclined that way. - It's not a hugely psychological thing for me, I just love some more intense sensations. Hell, if you discovered you could come from being spanked (yes, I have), wouldn't you? I have played with some aspects of this on my own, but y'know, it's more fun with a partner... it's really difficult to use a cane on your own butt!
When it comes to other people the pleasure is more abstract, but the biggest thrill is in watching someone else letting go, however that's achieved.
So yes, I love all aspects of BDSM. I love the feeling of guiltlessness and freedom that comes with being helplessly pleasured and played with whilst completely immobilised (and indeed getting 'tortured'). I have loved the gravity defying feeling of being suspended. I have revelled in the power of having a partner incapacitated before me, and felt humbled by the trust given to me. I have thrilled to power games (played with consent) and adored the euphoric sensations of being spanked, whipped, flogged, penetrated, even pierced, and rejoiced in giving the same to others. Most of all I have loved the exploration of alternative roles, and the joy of being completely open to someone else, or vice versa.
Perhaps, like spicy food, kink isn't to everybody's taste - but it's well worth nibbling a little at the edges (or indeed, being nibbled!) and finding out if you like it.
And that really is just a taste - the full idea of what any of this stuff means to me is hard to cover in one essay.
(*Note: While I'm aware that 'kink' includes things as well as BDSM, such as fetish, I tend to use the terms interchangeably - apologies to anyone offended by fuzzy semantics!)
(Note 2: I'm pleased that nobody's made this assumption, but just to be clear: just because I say I like this particular thing, does not mean I want to do it with everyone. Got that? Good. Now let's go back to having fun!)
I'm sure I've missed things out, so this essay is likely to be edited somewhat. Do feel free to ask (respectful) questions!
The third in my series defining some terms that are important to me - these articles are not so much about explaining what these things mean to everybody, but what they mean to me in particular.
I find it interesting, that it was very easy for me to write about bisexuality, but quite hard to put kink into words. It's not that I'm ashamed - I love being a 'pervert', and I've spoken about it publically, for that matter. Putting a finger on what it means to me though, even when it's been a part of my sexuality for as long as I remember - that's tough! Since I find myself wanting to talk more about related things in my journal though, I think it's about time I laid the groundwork!
What is BDSM?
For anyone who doesn't know what BDSM stands for, it's a compound abbreviation combining B&D - That is Bondage and Discipline, D/s - that is, Dominance and Submission, and S/M - sadism and masochism. In other words, lots of fun!
While it can sound scary, the banner of BDSM covers everything from light spanking whilst tied up with scarves and 'sensation play' such as stroking each other with fluffy things, to consensually chopping bits off people (no, I don't do this, and think it's generally a bad idea!). The overarching theme in all of these scenarios however is playing with 'power' - giving another person a level of access to your body, or your behaviour, that they otherwise would not have (or vice versa, of course). Trusting someone else to make the decisions for you, over a period of anything from minutes to an entire lifestyle. It's this aspect of taking things out of the norm, especially as a 'switch' that I find most fascinating.
Why do I love it?
The joy of D/s for me is that it cuts out doubt: Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing things in the right way, or in the right place? Should I be doing something else? Am I being too selfish, and wanting more than my partner is willing to give?
For me, both bondage and D/s have a similar feeling of freedom, and connection to the person I'm playing with.
As a 'submissive', or person who is being taken charge of, I find the freedom to enjoy whatever is being done to me (or what I'm being ordered to do myself), in the full knowledge that my partner can stop anytime they like, that they're only doing things that please *them*, and any pleasure that comes my way is all the more precious knowing that it's something my partner wants. As a 'dominant' or person who is in charge, I get to be queen - every decision I make is the right one. My partner can plead if he or she likes, and I am quite entitled to go whichever way I feel (observing negotiated limits and the laws of physics, of course). For me, every scene in which I'm dominant feels like a work of art. (Perhaps this is the painter in me speaking!)
D/s is about connecting on a mental level much more than a physical one - it's a more intense connection than any other, and it's no coincidence that I'm a hell of a lot pickier about partners for D/s than for anything else (and I'm pretty picky to begin with).
S&M? That's a bit different for me. As a hedonist, my attraction to pain is all about chasing endorphin highs. It's not about being turned over a knee and told I'm a Bad Girl (if anything, it's a reward for me), although I know some people are more inclined that way. - It's not a hugely psychological thing for me, I just love some more intense sensations. Hell, if you discovered you could come from being spanked (yes, I have), wouldn't you? I have played with some aspects of this on my own, but y'know, it's more fun with a partner... it's really difficult to use a cane on your own butt!
When it comes to other people the pleasure is more abstract, but the biggest thrill is in watching someone else letting go, however that's achieved.
So yes, I love all aspects of BDSM. I love the feeling of guiltlessness and freedom that comes with being helplessly pleasured and played with whilst completely immobilised (and indeed getting 'tortured'). I have loved the gravity defying feeling of being suspended. I have revelled in the power of having a partner incapacitated before me, and felt humbled by the trust given to me. I have thrilled to power games (played with consent) and adored the euphoric sensations of being spanked, whipped, flogged, penetrated, even pierced, and rejoiced in giving the same to others. Most of all I have loved the exploration of alternative roles, and the joy of being completely open to someone else, or vice versa.
Perhaps, like spicy food, kink isn't to everybody's taste - but it's well worth nibbling a little at the edges (or indeed, being nibbled!) and finding out if you like it.
And that really is just a taste - the full idea of what any of this stuff means to me is hard to cover in one essay.
(*Note: While I'm aware that 'kink' includes things as well as BDSM, such as fetish, I tend to use the terms interchangeably - apologies to anyone offended by fuzzy semantics!)
(Note 2: I'm pleased that nobody's made this assumption, but just to be clear: just because I say I like this particular thing, does not mean I want to do it with everyone. Got that? Good. Now let's go back to having fun!)
I'm sure I've missed things out, so this essay is likely to be edited somewhat. Do feel free to ask (respectful) questions!