Hi, I'm poly and I don't exist.

[emanix]

Hi, I'm a polyamorous woman, and I don't exist. In fact, I don't believe that polyamorous people exist.

“Huh?” I hear you say. “But you just declared yourself polyamorous. Up there! It says so!”

I did, and I do. I call myself polyamorous because I see this as an important part of how I relate to other people in my life. So I call myself poly in the same way I call myself an agnostic, or a Londoner, or a wearer of polka-dotted shirts. I get sick and tired, though, of hearing about poly people vs. monogamous people as though we're different species. Worse, the constant bickering about whether it's 'natural' for human beings in general to be monogamous or not. Good grief! Are we animals? It seems like a lot of people are deeply invested in perpetuating the split, but it's a false dichotomy that drives me up the wall. This may be an unpopular position but here I go:

There is no such thing as a polyamorous person.

There is no such thing as a monogamous person either.

I find it bizarre how often discussions about poly versus mono the arguments seem to fall back to biology. Folk are either claiming that we are ALL supposed to be one or the other, or they're claiming that there's a hard-wired difference between the two. Really? It's like claiming there is a biological reason for being a liberal versus a conservative, or a vegetarian versus a carnivore . The difference between these people is simple, obvious and nobody's arguing it: belief. When the issue is how to run a country or what to eat for dinner we're all happy to stick with arguing that this or that is the more rational option – x or y is better because it benefits people (or animals) in this or that way. So why on earth, when the issue is how to organise relationships, does everyone start insisting that nature has all of the answers?

Seriously, why on earth is anyone asking which is the 'natural' way to be? The natural way for us to be, running along some of these lines of thinking, is naked, eating raw foods and huddling in natural caves for warmth. Except that's not true either – the natural thing for us to be doing, as creatures of logic and imagination is *thinking* and basing our behaviours on the result of conscious thought, whatever internal system of logic we happen to be using.

What does nature want us to be doing? You know... it really doesn't matter. We started ignoring what nature wanted from us the minute we started adapting our environments to suit ourselves instead of vice versa. What matters is what we THINK. In other words, the difference between the mind of a monogamous person and that of a polyamorous person is the thoughts and beliefs inside it – and these are mutable things. On a daily basis people make the decision to stop, or start eating meat, choose which party to vote for, make decisions about moral and cultural issues based on their experiences and understanding of the world around them. If we are rational adults – and I think we are all aspiring to be rational adults here, no? - then we base our decisions on what our logic circuits tell us, not our bodies.

I'm Emanix. I'm a carnivore. Not because I believe it's the only right way to be. Not because I believe it's more natural, or more 'evolved', or because there is a fundamental difference between my brain chemistry and that of my vegetarian friends. I'm carnivorous because to me it's what makes sense on a daily basis.

Oh, and I happen to be polyamorous too.

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I've had a few comments on the carnivore thing. Yes I know what carnivore actualy means, yes it's hyperbole for the sake of humour. My artistic license can be viewed here: [link to Artistic License'] it states 'Licensed to bend the truth in the name of comedy'. Can we get back to the point now please?

Comments

[xmakina.livejournal.com]

but you absolutely have the option to behave in a not-poly way
This is why I'm happy to continue this in-person, but would like to not continue this conversation on here.

This line smacks of a really unpleasant attitude/opinion akin to "just because you're gay doesn't mean you shouldn't get a wife and have kids". Obviously, this isn't a stance I'd ever associate with yourself, which means carrying on this conversation feels really really awkward.

This is something I'd really like to explore with you and either France and/or OpenCon provide some excellent backdrops and opportunities for this potentially tricky subject. Feel free to bring this up next time we meet up :)

[emanix.livejournal.com]

If you're going to conflate concepts like 'can' and 'should', then there is no appropriate place to carry on a conversation. A gay-identified man absolutely CAN get a wife and have kids, and he may carry beliefs about himself and the world that convince him it's a good idea to do so. That doesn't imply any opinion on my part as to whether or not he SHOULD.
Your original comment displayed a curious ambivalence to poly which implied that you felt you had no choice about being so, and might prefer to be otherwise. My point was that if you honestly preferred to behave otherwise, you have that option open to you.

None of this reflects on my opinion of you as a person, and I hope to enjoy the trip to France, but perhaps we can leave the intellectual debate for later in the trip.

[xmakina.livejournal.com]

but perhaps we can leave the intellectual debate for later in the trip
*nods enthusiastically*

I think there has been a crossed wire somewhere so yes, let's leave this one be :)