The big, beautiful shiny rainbow of kink (A.K.A. there's no One True Way)

[emanix]

Copied essentially verbatim from a Fetlife conversation thread about 'service tops' - this is not quite the essay I'd been intending to write on this topic, but I've had it on my mind for a while, so I'm going to preserve the best attempt I've made at it yet for posterity.

Much musing about kink, logic, diversity, and all of the gorgeous colours of the rainbow.

Something that drives me crazy about kink communities, which I suspect is the cause of LOT of unsatisfying relationships is this: The assumption that (bottom=submissive=masochist) and on the flip side, of course, that (top=dominant=sadist) - and anything else is not the One True Way. Hey look! A recipe for a lot of dissatisfied kinky folk!

In my time I've come across masochist doms (Hit me, slave! Harder!), subbie sadists, dominant sensation play bottoms who hated pain, brats, service tops, service submissives, maids and footmen, slaves, rope bunnies, do-me queens, dollies, nurturing daddies and mommies of both the dom and sub persuasion, emperors, goddesses, virtuoso performers and a whole bunch of others... to me they're all different, and while it might not be obvious to the community at large, it seems obvious to me that there's something missing from the traditional D/s=S/m scale.

Over time I've come up with my own way of observing these relationships, which I find makes it a lot easier to figure out who I want to scene with, or have a relationship with, and how. From my perspective as a switchier than switch 'universal adaptor' I see several different indices people vary on in kink terms, not one single spectrum, and I try to get away from using D or s in my name scheme, because I think that's a label for a combination of characteristics, not a single scale.

The categories I use are:

Leader or follower (i.e. who is guiding the path of the scene, and who is following),
Active or passive (who is doing the physical action),
Giver or receiver (who is receiving sensation - clearly this can vary within a scene for many people, but not everyone.)
Sadist or masochist or neither

These all spring out to me as all being different and unrelated scales of variance. I'm not going to draw a graph since I have no idea how to build a four dimensional matrix, but I hope it's fairly self-explanatory.

To illustrate, the traditional stereotype Dominant is expected to be an active sadistic leader who 'gives' submissives what he/she knows they need - "I feel like giving you a good beating and then fucking in the ass, clearly because this is what I want you want it too, so I'm going to give it to you", and the 'classic' submissive is a passive receiving follower & likely a masochist too - whereas a different Dominant might prefer to receive tribute from willing service submissives, and would be a passive receiving leader. But a bratty bottom, who knows exactly which way to misbehave to guarantee a spanking - well s/he's a leader too.

To my mind then, a service top = actively giving follower: "Tell me what you want, and I'll do it to you", and is well paired with an active or passive receiver who is willing to lead.

And yeah, I've noticed a lot of pairings over time that just don't work - our dominant who wants to be worshipped isn't going to get on well with the classic submissive I described above, or a passive rope bunny or dolly, but they might not realise why because the stories we're told, and the categories we're given are just so darned limited. A service sub paired with a sadist could end up feeling abused. A service top and a service submissive are just not going to know what to do with each other (though I've seen a couple of these relationship drag miserably on for years)... there are a lot of combinations in there.

And of course, nobody need be stuck in one category. I've been most of them at one point or other. My longest standing partner swings between classic Dom and service top depending on his mood. I've had submissive partners who wanted to be ordered to beat other slaves and then be 'punished' for it. I've seen die-hard tops turn to mush when given the right sort of stroking. It's amazing just how big and beautiful the rainbow can get when we're not stuck in black and white. We're multifarious, complicated and beautiful.


...Opinions, comments and questions if you will, below.

Comments

Service Top

[ewen]

Blatently crossing the threads, your description of a "service" top versus a "classic" top looks to me very similar to the difference between Ask Culture versus Guess Culture. Complicated, I think, by the area being one that touches on people's inherited taboos which makes them, at least initially, even more reluctant to ask for what they want -- even if they were mostly of "Ask Culture". If this analysis is correct, then one might expect people to "grow into" working with a Service Top as they become more aware of what they want, and more comfortable with asking for it. (I have insufficient information to know if that's true, but my guess is that it probably is.)

Ewen

[lovewithoutfear.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. Anything that clarifies and celebrates diversity seems good to me!

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Ah, that helps, a lot! I'm going to borrow your categories to help me (and others) think about things to make it easier to understand each other :)

[jon-from-shef.livejournal.com]

I'm not really in the world of kink, just the poly world, but these look like good clarifying dimensions to me. I'd be interested to see what kinky folk make of them.

[yoyoangel.livejournal.com]

Glad to read this.
I occasionally, temporarily, fit a bit into one of the more obvious categories but have definitely run into problems trying to play with people who want a 'naughty sub gets punished' vibe or a 'Dom is a better person whose wishes are more important' vibe. I've been on both sides of both of these and they just don't work for me - I have to be doing stuff/having stuff done to me because we both want it and we each think the other is awesome.

[hatmix.livejournal.com]

Spot on! This is why I describe myself as "a safe and deserving person available to be worshiped by those who must worship someone," and not a "Dom" in the classic sense.

[femetal.livejournal.com]

One of the things I *really love* about Frolicon is that the community is sufficiently diverse that there is very little "one true way" vibe there. Every panel I attended stressed that there is no "wrong" way unless someone is damaged (as opposed to hurt; my phrasing). Yes, I've been to panels in the past that weren't as accommodating, but that seems to improve every year. I feel very "at home" there in ways that I don't in even my chosen local community.

I identify as a dominant (with the potential to be submissive in *very* specific circumstances which I haven't really experienced, and which may not even exist.) I am an S/M switch (in that I like to both give and receive pain). I'm into giving service (giving partners what they want and ask for). I'm less comfortable receiving service, but I'm working on that, because I think I could be good at it. I'm good with both intense and light-hearted scenes. I'm not as comfortable "joking around", as I tend to interpret things literally, and so even an obvious joke that hits close to reality may throw me into a bad headspace and require a lot of defusing later.

Thanks for this post, it's very well put!

[datan0de.livejournal.com]

You've done a great job of articulating and clarifying something that I'd previously only thought about on an intuitive level. Thanks for posting this!

[miss-amaranth.livejournal.com]

Brilliantly put. Thank you for sharing! :-) x

[theozzardofwiz.livejournal.com]

Definitely. I'd previously commented that B, D, D/s and S/M are four different axes, and this adds a couple more.

It also identifies a key problem with my current relationship... hmmm :-). More thought needed.

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this. ;-) I couldn't agree more.

Though when I use the term 'sweet subby bottom', I am describing a very specific type of person. Usually male. And for some reason usually following me around like a puppy.

::frustrated sigh::

[dedqgirl.livejournal.com]

[I was referred to your post by drtalon @ FL]

I think those four axes are a good starting point - better than the conventional D/s-S/m axes. Obviously someone's coordinates may change dramatically with moods, etc. I think there are some complications, though, in your system. Are all the possible combinations definable? Is it possible for someone to be an active receiver? At face-value those seem a bit oxymoronic - how can someone be the receiver of his/her own action? Although the axis labels are easy to remember, I think they would need to be more explicitly defined.

I think that's why the standard labels are so persistent, despite the varying definitions. Dominance and submission is a state of mind and power. Who has the *power* in a relationship between two people. D/s exists all the time. Being a Dominant is part of who I am. I cannot change that. Top vs bottom is almost exclusively a scene dynamic. That falls in line with your "Active or passive" differentiation. In my mind I consider Top/bottom to be just that - who is doing what to whom? With these two axes all four combinations are definable:

Dominant Top
Dominant bottom
submissive Top
submissive bottom

...with varying degrees, as illustrated on a Cartesian plane (oh, did I mention that I was a math major in college? LOL)

Sadism vs masochism is, in my opinion, completely separate. Being a personal preference, sadism or masochism doesn't change with a scene, and it isn't always relevant to a scene. I see it as more of a fetish - a prop in a scene. Sadism/masochism is a manifestation of the combination of other dynamics. That being said, I would not see an issue with adding it as another axis, if someone felt that it was an important part of their identity.

I agree with the rest of what you wrote - as a Dominant who loves being flogged, I find myself always having difficulty explaining myself and I am always unsure of how other people will react to my explanation. And hell, sometimes I still don't really know where I fall.