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emanixLast night, I'm up at silly o clock in the morning, trying to draw, but distracted, and I come across mention of a woman online with a tattoo on her arm. It reads 'strap-on' and pictures a naked woman straddling a tool, and I find myself thinking 'that's a bit tasteless, what if she regrets it when she gets older?'
Then I realised there were a lot of things wrong with that thought.
First, who appointed *me* queen of taste? I'm an artist, yes. That gives me a perspective, not the whole rule book.
Second, what has it got to do with me what she wants to do with her body?
Third, what kind of hypocrite am I, forgetting I have my own tasteless tattoos (just because they're in latin doesn't make them any less tacky, does it? Maybe a little?).
Fourth, what's this obsession with people changing their minds?
I realised a whole lot of that response was about my having internalised attitudes straight out of the western media. Good old family values type journalism in which y'know, everybody could maybe have a future as a politician, or a respected public figure, and you wouldn't want to jeopardise that with a silly tattoo now, would you?
Worse still, I realised that if it was a man, I probably wouldn't have had the thought at all - but society tells us that women in particular are prone to changing their minds.
I've been thinking a lot about life choices lately. Decisions are often a hard thing for me. It's not that I lack confidence in the choices I make, on the contrary, when I actually do make a decision, it sticks. It's just that I rarely feel strongly enough about anything for me to want to make the choice. Often, the decisions I've made were based on what gave me the most options farther down the line. I realise I'm always, always thinking 'but what if I change my mind?' There comes a point though, when choices have to be made. One can't remain in the bud forever.
I recently volunteered to run an event called Polyday (http://www.polyday.org.uk) - a day of workshops, entertainment and social meeting point for Polyamorous people from across the UK. I thought long and hard about the decision before I made it - not so much because of the work involved, or about taking on the responsibility, but about making the declaration "I am poly" to the world. It would be rather ridiculous after all, to run a national level event and have any thoughts about remaining in the closet. And closets, like overstuffed suitcases at the end of a holiday, are notoriously hard to go back into. I considered the possible repercussions all the way into the future, and found that I cared far less about any possible negatives to myself, than about the sad image of a future where events like this didn't exist.
But it wasn't really until last night that I realised there's been a part of me still waiting to decide what I'm going to be 'when I grow up', and always thinking about the 'what-ifs', without ever really focusing on the what I AM.
I'm probably never going to have a career in politics. If at any point I do though, it would be against who I am to try to hide behind a screen of assumed 'virtue'. I have accepted myself, and have no dirty secrets, they're simply a part of who I am. Sex-positive, perpetually curious and wanting to explore everything the world has to offer. I have a past, which of course has made me who I am today, and I'll wear the marks, and the scars, with pride.
I realise now I'm thinking about it that I'd rather have some people running the country with a little colour, some character, some history than the dull grey figures we have today, as career politicians. The idea that the people running the country ought to be pristine married-when-virgins, never modified their bodies, not even an unusual hair colour, never experimented with anything out of the straight and narrow, never had any *fun*... it's crazy. No wonder it's hard to live up to the standard, and all the political parties seem to be the same.
So back to Ms. Strap-on, I want to make her a little apology - sorry about my patronising response earlier. Congratulations on having the courage of your convictions. If you should happen to run for some sort of public office in my area (and your views aren't totally off the wall crazy), then you just got my vote.
Then I realised there were a lot of things wrong with that thought.
First, who appointed *me* queen of taste? I'm an artist, yes. That gives me a perspective, not the whole rule book.
Second, what has it got to do with me what she wants to do with her body?
Third, what kind of hypocrite am I, forgetting I have my own tasteless tattoos (just because they're in latin doesn't make them any less tacky, does it? Maybe a little?).
Fourth, what's this obsession with people changing their minds?
I realised a whole lot of that response was about my having internalised attitudes straight out of the western media. Good old family values type journalism in which y'know, everybody could maybe have a future as a politician, or a respected public figure, and you wouldn't want to jeopardise that with a silly tattoo now, would you?
Worse still, I realised that if it was a man, I probably wouldn't have had the thought at all - but society tells us that women in particular are prone to changing their minds.
I've been thinking a lot about life choices lately. Decisions are often a hard thing for me. It's not that I lack confidence in the choices I make, on the contrary, when I actually do make a decision, it sticks. It's just that I rarely feel strongly enough about anything for me to want to make the choice. Often, the decisions I've made were based on what gave me the most options farther down the line. I realise I'm always, always thinking 'but what if I change my mind?' There comes a point though, when choices have to be made. One can't remain in the bud forever.
I recently volunteered to run an event called Polyday (http://www.polyday.org.uk) - a day of workshops, entertainment and social meeting point for Polyamorous people from across the UK. I thought long and hard about the decision before I made it - not so much because of the work involved, or about taking on the responsibility, but about making the declaration "I am poly" to the world. It would be rather ridiculous after all, to run a national level event and have any thoughts about remaining in the closet. And closets, like overstuffed suitcases at the end of a holiday, are notoriously hard to go back into. I considered the possible repercussions all the way into the future, and found that I cared far less about any possible negatives to myself, than about the sad image of a future where events like this didn't exist.
But it wasn't really until last night that I realised there's been a part of me still waiting to decide what I'm going to be 'when I grow up', and always thinking about the 'what-ifs', without ever really focusing on the what I AM.
I'm probably never going to have a career in politics. If at any point I do though, it would be against who I am to try to hide behind a screen of assumed 'virtue'. I have accepted myself, and have no dirty secrets, they're simply a part of who I am. Sex-positive, perpetually curious and wanting to explore everything the world has to offer. I have a past, which of course has made me who I am today, and I'll wear the marks, and the scars, with pride.
I realise now I'm thinking about it that I'd rather have some people running the country with a little colour, some character, some history than the dull grey figures we have today, as career politicians. The idea that the people running the country ought to be pristine married-when-virgins, never modified their bodies, not even an unusual hair colour, never experimented with anything out of the straight and narrow, never had any *fun*... it's crazy. No wonder it's hard to live up to the standard, and all the political parties seem to be the same.
So back to Ms. Strap-on, I want to make her a little apology - sorry about my patronising response earlier. Congratulations on having the courage of your convictions. If you should happen to run for some sort of public office in my area (and your views aren't totally off the wall crazy), then you just got my vote.
