emanix: (emanix)
I'm posting this entry for the edification of new readers, as a flag to my important posts (at least the ones important to me), and a map of my world.

My name's Maxine Green. I'm an artist and illustrator by trade, polyamorous (and many other things) by nature, a scientist at heart, and an activist by accident.

My introductory post is here: Butterfly

A continuing series of scribblings about the things that are important to me:
Defining My Terms: 1. Bisexuality
Defining my Terms 2: Polyamory
Defining my Terms 3: Kink
Defining My Terms 4: Radical Agnostic
(because not everything is about sex)
Some More Definitions
Recipe for the Good Life

Original Essays/Articles:

SAMOTURE - or This is What an Activist Looks Like (2009-10-01)
Bisexuality & Statistics: Twice as many dates? (2010-07-16)
Secret Loves (why they suck) (2010-06-10)
The Emanixine Creed (2010-10-03)
The big, beautiful shiny rainbow of kink (A.K.A. there's no One True Way) (2011-04-25)
On hierarchies, relationships and cat ownership. (March 9th, 2013)
On how touching someone without asking is assault. EVEN IF THEY LIKED IT. (October 17th, 2012)
I Am Not Here For Your Entertainment. (The Story) (October 25th, 2011)
Self-Evident Epiphanies - Human Beings. (January 30th, 2011)
Hi, I'm poly and I don't exist. (August 1st, 2010)
Polyamory and Statistics, or “Why haven't we found 'our third' yet?” (September 8th, 2014)
. (.)


Bicon Follow-Up - Poly 201 responses. (2010-09-05)
Bicon Follow-Up 2 - Recipe for Aloe-based Lube (2010-09-05)
Bicon Follow-Up 3 - SM/Breathplay, with link to Jay Wiseman's Essays (2010-09-05)
How to Be Trans-friendly and Subvert Crummy Gender Roles at the Same Time, in Five Easy Steps! (2010-04-07)
Legal Prostitutes Have HALF the Infection Rate of 'Straight' Population (2010-07-12)
'The Bastards! - A sympathetic technique for relationship harmony.' (September 27th, 2013)
More Bad Science - Contraception and Statistics. (a.k.a. Implanon Implants: They're Fine.) (January 9th, 2011)
. (.)

Some more "Me Manual" stuff:

Let's Only Date Grown-ups. (June 8th, 2012)
Form Letter (Response to idiots sending me form letters on dating sites and social networks) (October 23rd, 2013)
On Pain, Punishment and Perverse Incentives (February 3rd, 2012)
One from the Archives: Why I Love Techies. (November 21st, 2014 (Original, 2007))
The Penis Size Rant (September 18th, 2014)
Why My House is a Christmas Free Zone. (December 15th, 2014)
. (.)

No doubt I'll edit this further as new things occur to me, and as my essay series grows.

In the meantime, enjoy!


emanix: (emanix)
(From my personal manifesto)

Live cheaply. Keep the regular costs as low as possible, and save the rest for investments. Invest in things that add to your life. Good shoes for comfort, a good coat for warmth, a camera for memories. Prioritise. Resist ostentation unless it brings joy to people who aren't you.

When you have all you actually need, invest in story. Never forget that narrative has value. Give your lunch to a homeless person. Run naked in the rain. Change the world for the better. Tell a story with your life, and make it a good one.


- Written ‎12 ‎January ‎2013. I think when I wrote it originally I considered it unfinished, but having found it on my laptop again today, I think that it stands perfectly well as it is so I'm posting it.
emanix: (emanix)
This afternoon I came in to a conversation on facebook inspired by this article: 6 fascinating people who own almost nothing. The conversation wandered into how a lot of the folks who claim to be embracing minimalism and the 'no possessions' lifestyle (and who often seem quite smug and self-satisfied about it) do, in fact, rather carelessly rely on the use of other people's housing possessions to support their lifestyle... something that works in small numbers, of course, but isn't sustainable over a whole population, clearly. There was also plenty of discussion about the lessons these minimalist folk have to teach us. So naturally this conversation got me thinking back over how I have been living my life over the last few months.

I try to be very conscious of when I am and am not relying on other people's kindness. I have been very lucky since I started being nomadic and living out of my backpack, back in March. A lot of people have very kindly offered me their hospitality and even keys to their houses, so despite working out my initial numbers based on staying in hostels and short lets and things, I've been able to save a lot through the generosity of my friends and lovers - and spend it on taking them out for nice dinners instead, or in one particular case, supporting their indiegogo campaign! When I am staying with people I try to give back in practical ways too, such as washing dishes or making meals, making sure the fridge is stocked, doing minor repairs, offering to baby-sit, helping with the bills if bills need paying, that sort of thing. If at some point I forget that there's a give and take there, though, and start getting entitled about it or assuming anyone other than (possibly) the government owes me a place to stay, or pretending I've done it all by myself, do please shoot me!

On the other hand, I think there are ways in which the nomadic lifestyle could be much more sustainable for a lot of people, which perhaps would emerge naturally if enough folks were doing it: there are already plenty of hostels offering dorm spaces and similar for backpackers (even while I was relatively settled in zone 3, I did occasionally ponder moving nearer in to the centre of the city and only paying rent as and when I needed to, given that the daily rate for a hostel in central London was about equivalent to my rent+bills and also included breakfast- but of course there were at the time other intangibles such as stability, and choice over one's housemates to consider, plus storage for the 'stuff' that I was lugging around from house to house with me). I do wonder how the current offering would flourish, change and compete if that market was to grow significantly. Extending it even further, what would the world be like if we were all guaranteed stable housing as and when we needed it, for as long as we needed it, ('at-will accommodation', if you like) and nobody owned property at all?

Speaking of property, one thing that backpacking really does for you as an individual is that it will make you think very hard about every single thing you buy or choose to carry around with you. When every new item you acquire means than something else has to be thrown or given away, buying 'stuff' begins to take on a different light. As an inveterate 'pack-rat', that's been a real eye opener for me, and particularly for folks who tend to horde 'stuff', I'd recommend trying it, even just for a short while.

I hadn't really intended to be nomadic for quite as long as I now have been. My initial intention was to put most of my stuff in storage just for a little while, go travelling to see friends and family for maybe two or three months and then settle down again, but as all of the work I do is non-location-dependent and I am under no particular pressure to stay in one place, the charms of the 'footloose and fancy free' lifestyle have rather drawn me in. When I do pass through London I have found myself rather naturally reducing my possessions in storage by roughly one crate each time I visit, when I look at things and realise I haven't missed them even for a moment. And the less stuff I have in storage, the less inclined I am to settle down and be weighed down by it. It has been a fascinating process.

I do find that I am shocked more than ever, when I walk by shops selling ornaments and suchlike, by the sheer uselessness of so much of what's out there. Tea, however, turns out to be really important to me (nobody who's met me should be surprised by this, yet somehow I was!) and I now make sure I have a small supply in my backpack to be certain that I have it wherever I happen to be, and usually a travel mug tucked in my belt, as well. Books are important to me too, but I have finally given in and gone the kindle route, because there is only so much paper one person can carry.

There is definitely a sense of freedom in knowing that everything you need for your every day life will fit into a backpack or a suitcase. Knowing that one has the option to take off at any moment means one is never at the mercy of a bad landlord or bad relationship, you can do crazy things like leave the country on a moment's notice, because you know you have everything you need with you, or fly south for the winter, which certainly has a tinge of luxury (though living abroad is mostly cheaper than the UK, in fact). In my case, at this particular time, it has also meant that I could up sticks and move to Manchester to spend time looking after my terminally ill grandfather as his health has been deteriorating over the last few months, and stay for as long as I'm needed. It's hard to put a price on that sort of freedom.

It's not for everybody, though: I know that if I was even slightly less physically able than I am right now, I wouldn't be able to handle carrying both my backpack and the 'mobile studio' I built to take around with me in a suitcase. I am dreading the next time my knee gives out and I have to use crutches, as public transport will be a whole different experience. I could be faced with the stark choice of settling down in one place or giving up my art (or being dependent on other people to move my case for me, which... well, let's say it's a last resort!). There are all sorts of reasons one might need to be static, or have more equipment than a person can reasonably carry. And of course if the work I did was location-dependent, there might not be any point to my minimalism. I'm not trying to pretend that the life I live now is easy to arrange, or even possible for everybody.

There have been hard times too. Finding time and space to myself has not been entirely easy. There have been times when my choice has been between offending my hosts or sharing space, and occasionally even beds with people (and pets) I would not normally choose to. Getting ill and needing several days of hardcore rest whilst visiting in a house without a dedicated guest room was... tricky. And if one has kindly been invited in as a guest, turning down that invitation, or backing out of a stay that one had already committed to, and saying to someone "Actually, I'd prefer to go and stay in a B&B or a hotel for a bit so I can get some space to myself", can seem impolitic, and difficult (or expensive) to arrange at the last minute when something hasn't gone to plan.
Not knowing what city one is going to be in next month can get a little exhausting, too, where long range planning is concerned, but the hardest thing I have had to deal with yet has been accessing medical care whilst on the move; something I have found incredibly difficult even as a relatively well off British citizen in stable employment. The NHS as a whole is not at all set up for patients who migrate, even between just two addresses, let alone many. Walk-in and access centres are not well advertised, and often websites are out of date (we turned up at one that was advertised online to find it had closed more than a year ago), and the ones that still exist are often poorly signposted and in obscure places. I find myself struggling to use the exact same sort of facilities I would have to visit if I was sleeping rough on the street, and wondering how (or if) anyone who is homeless through circumstances not of their own choosing actually manages to see a doctor, other than through visits to A&E. As I am dependent on a regular supply of thyroxine tablets to actually keep me alive, and also having had a chest infection for most of the last month on top of this, that's been pretty stressful.

But still, I do feel incredibly privileged and lucky to be able to live and work the way that I currently do. I hope I come across as neither smug nor self satisfied, but I do think there are some very valid lessons to take away from all this stuff... or from the lack of stuff. :)
emanix: (emanix)
I don't post much personal stuff these days. I've been finding, whilst I'm ever so happy to be out, as an activist, as a kinkster, as a visible poly person, that I want to live my private life... well, privately. But since writing my last post I've been feeling the need to post a personal update.

I've spent most of the last nine months out in the countryside, bouncing around alone in a big empty house with a barely functioning phone and minimal internet. I was tired of humanity, tired of the city, tired of sharing space with folks who mostly took and forgot to give back, tired of broken promises and thoughtless behaviour. So I left. I moved out to the Edge of Everywhere, into my 'hermitage' and I hid away. And, of course, I learned some new things about myself.

I learned how terrifying it is to be on your own, two hours drive or more away from everyone you know, and to be suddenly taken ill with a fever. To call up the only folks you can rely on and say "Ring me in the morning. If I don't pick up, call an ambulance." knowing that was the best they'd be able to do.

I learned a few things about my own resourcefulness, my own ability to cope when things suck. I learned a few things about my need for human contact, but also my never previously suspected need to be able sometimes to switch that off and just be.

Most of all, though, I learned a lot about who the folks are I really care about, and who really care about me. The people I feel the need to reach out to when I'm out on a limb, and even more, the folks who stuck with me, who made sure they kept in touch, even when I was out of sight and far away. I learned about the lines of love that stay open when we are far apart, when communications are hard, and the ones that shut down as soon as you're not visible.

I learned about being an Outdoor Cat.

Now I'm moving on again, after nine months. Just long enough to have had the baby. The hermitage was always temporary. It could have been longer, it could have been less. I don't feel quite ready to leave, but perhaps I never would have done, who knows? And where I'm moving to is... nowhere, everywhere, into thin air.

I have a place lined up to go to, it's not ready yet. May not be for a few months (given the folks involved, maybe even longer). In the meantime, I'm embracing the freedom of movement. I will be living out of my backpack, with a suitcase on the side full of art materials to enable me to keep painting, keep creating. I'm free from paying rent or bills, so that gives me a little more money for travel and accommodation should I find the need to pay for places, but I am starting to suspect I won't be struggling. I am trusting that there will be places open to me.

As if in answer to that trust, when I started telling my friends and loved ones about my plan, vistas of possibility opened up. I found myself welling up with tears as one after another members of my chosen family, friends and lovers, even ex partners I'm still close to, began offering me places to stay not just for a day or two but for weeks or months, as long as I liked, and not just rooms but also keys to their houses to come and go as I please, to be trusted, one of the family. To install the cat flap. I am indescribably grateful for that. Awed by the love and joy in those connections and wanting to celebrate that. To announce to the world that I love these people. Be good to these people. They've been, are currently being so good to me.

So I'm moving on... as I jokingly said to a friend of mine who asked me 'where to?' the other day, I'm moving on to the internet. My email address is the same as ever, as is my mobile number. I have a couple of partners willing to accept packages for me, depending on where I'll be in the world. I'm still just as easy to get hold of, just perhaps a little harder to pin down in one place. I'm already pretty much booked up for the next couple of months, in terms of places to be. In fact I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find time to move into my new place at all. I shall play it by ear, as with everything else in my life at the moment.

I'll see you on the internet!

With love and joy,


emanix: (emanix)
It's a set of questions that comes up perennially in poly communities: Do I refer to my relationships as Primaries and Secondaries and if so what does that mean? Is that descriptive labelling, does it simply describe how things already are, or is it prescriptive, indicating how one thinks the relationship ought to be? Doesn't primary and secondary imply hierarchy (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't)? What other terms could I possibly use?

For me I have always very clearly explained that my 'primary' partners are the partners I think of first (first, hence 'primary'), before I make decisions, and my secondary partners are the folks I inform after a decision is made. It's always seemed a little clumsy requiring so much explanation to make it clear that my system was not based on a prescriptive hierarchy, but I've struggled to find better terms to use.

The other day I was engaged in a discussion in a poly space that was actually unrelated to this particular debate. The discussion was about current partners vs. exes, and attitudes towards relating to them. A most excellent lady, one Poly-Anna, calls her ex-lovers "Outdoor Cats" and her current primary lover her "Indoor Cat." I took one look at this metaphor and fell utterly in love. I mean, what's not to like? It's cute, familiar to nearly everybody and involves kitties. Win!

From the discussion:

"All Outdoor Cats used to be Indoor Cats until something went wrong. But once you are an Outdoor Cat, you may occasionally get petted or fed, but you never live indoors again.

Also, we don't mind visitors coming into the house and petting or playing with our Indoor Cats, but it's important to us that the Indoor Cat remember where he is fed and sleeps."

"We also recognize that our Indoor Cats may be someone else's Outdoor Cat. There is a cat door!"

Of course, there is the implication that by equating relationships to cat ownership, one might be implying ownership of one's partners... but I'm pretty sure anyone who has ever lived with cats knows that "ownership" is a rather loose term for a particular cat choosing to live with you for a while, for as long as that suits the cat.

So I got thinking, and the more I thought about this particular analogy for relationships the more I liked it.

Now, I don't agree word for word. For example, I don't think it's quite true that all Outdoor Cats used to be Indoor Cats. I think that some cats may well start out as Outdoor Cats and get themselves adopted to become Indoor Cats later.
Some cats really don't like living indoors and want more freedom, or are suited to a different style of household.
Some cats like to live indoors most of the time, but occasionally go off a-wandering.
Some cats have two households.
Some cats may bring other cats home with them, or the occasional small animal to play with, and it is quite possible to have more than one Indoor Cat as long as they get on well together, or have enough space.

These labels can still be descriptive or prescriptive: One could say prescriptively 'I'm looking for an Indoor Cat' or 'I'm looking for an Outdoor Cat', 'you're an Outdoor Cat right now, would you like to move Indoors with me, entailing x, y and z?' or you might just find yourself saying descriptively one day 'well it looks like I have an Indoor Cat now, what a surprise!' but I really like that there is no implied value judgement. Something that's ever so hard to avoid with language like primary/secondary or anchor/satellite or most of the terms I've come across in poly circles. The Outdoor Cat is not automatically less important than the Indoor Cat, is not due any less love, respect or consideration, the Outdoor Cat is still very much a cat in its own right, it's just a different living situation.

...and sometimes cats... get rabies and have to be put down?

Okay, perhaps I've stretched the metaphor just a little too far, but you see my point I hope!

For me, this also leads to a new realisation. Right now, I am the Outdoor Cat. All of my relationships, however loving and intimate, are long-distance and ad-hoc. While I have a partner I consider to be 'primary' by my own definition, we're not well suited to living with each other so we don't try to push ourselves into a box that doesn't fit.
Some day I would very much like to be an Indoor Cat again, but I'm not planning to rush into anything unsuitable just because it's a home. I think, for now, the wandering life suits me.
But I realise also that, as an Outdoor Cat, I'm not without care, feeding or attention. I realise that if something bad were to happen and I was to get sick or injured I think there are several homes where I could get taken in, looked after for a while, taken to the vet... and for that I consider myself to be incredibly fortunate. It was only when I looked at my relationships through a slightly different lens, thinking about the love and care involved in each, rather than the logic of decision-making and who informs who of what, that I realised that. I think that's a beautiful thing.

What relationship do you have with your 'cats'?
emanix: (Default)
Apparently yesterday, the 9th of June, was World Gin Day. While I missed the party (by being too busy at another one - oh, it's a hard life!), I thought I'd belatedly mark the occasion by sharing a recent cocktail recipe that has made my friends and I very happy.

Named both for the colour and for the fact that grapefruit juice is often associated with breakfast, this delicious discovery is particularly lovely when relaxing out of doors on a sunny afternoon (or morning, if you're feeling especially decadent). Refreshing, sweet and crisp, with a mix of flavours that you will want to roll around in your mouth as the bubbles bring out every nuance.

The Dawn Glow:

Two large parts Fentimans Rose Lemonade (we used a 275ml bottle per person, but you can buy it in larger bottles),
One part pink grapefruit juice (not from concentrate),
Large splash of Gin
Optional slice of lime

Pour casually into as large and decadent a glass as you can find. Drink at leisure. Amazingly, the strong flavour of the grapefruit brings out and is balanced by the rose rather than overwhelming it, to create a warm and surprisingly subtle drink that tastes of sunshine and joy.


Feb. 13th, 2012 10:17 pm
emanix: (Default)



To load with gin, innuendo, erotica or a combination thereof, an already potentially adventurous situation.

eg. "I was telling Minishka about all the fun we were going to have in explicit detail, and she said 'No thelping!'"

"she was about to leave as a threesome looked likely, so I handed her a gin to thelp"


Spread the word! ;)
emanix: (Default)
I was introduced to the concept of the Self-Evident Epiphany by a friend of [livejournal.com profile] seinneann_ceoil over a large pot of tea one afternoon. The example she gave was the realisation, several weeks before, that on days when she went out wearing a sweater, she felt warmer. Astonishing!
I introduced her to another on the spot: that the phrase 'Self-Evident Epiphanies' not only has a poetic elegance to it, but also has the most perfectly apt abbreviation: SEE!

Every one of us put our heads to one side, and let out a sigh of delight at the beauty of this newly formed acronym. Ah, the sweetness that is the love of geeks for wordplay.

So the Self-Evident Epiphany, or SEE, is a thought, or a realisation that is perfectly obvious in hindsight, but somehow your brain had failed to register it until just now. A favourite one of mine, which despite its obviousness often fails to stick in my mind: if I keep my room tidy, I don't have to spend so much time Looking For Stuff. I realise this on a fairly regular basis, and it surprises me every time!

What Self-Evident Epiphanies have you had, or heard about?

Happy Bunny

Oct. 4th, 2010 12:11 am
emanix: (Default)
I just moved over to a different journal style which shows my tags as a cloud format, rather than a list. I'm rather pleased to see that 'happy bunny' is the biggest of these. :)

I shall have a cup of tea in celebration!
emanix: (Default)
Wow it's been a busy month! A lot of new friendships, a may-be new relationship, a lot of new ideas, and a lot of running around.

Idea 1. I love Frolicon!

The first of April saw me at Frolicon - utterly fabulous. Great to see a lot of the people I connected with last year again. And also a certain person that I only briefly bumped into last year, we hit it off *very* well, and I got to hang out with a lovely portion of the polyfamily, too. That was lovely! Now engaged in one of several 'Sooper Sekrit Projects' which involve a great deal of awesome... and tentacles! Frolicon makes me very happy, and it is worth a lot to me to keep going back there. Where else could I find such people? Perhaps not quite so appealing to [livejournal.com profile] werenerd - he and jetlag are not good friends, but I think we'll be back - it was also our anniversary party, after all!

Idea 2. Skeptical Tantra.

Barely had time to breathe in London, catch up on work and spend a little time with my other primary before [livejournal.com profile] werenerd and I were off to a Tantra weekend where I yelled at the instructor for spouting sexist drivel, but also was inspired by the challenge of taking what is good and valuable from these practices (and there certainly *are* parts that are good and valuable) and separating it from the pseudoscience and religious babble.
I realise I'm pretty well-placed to do this. I've been studying sex in a casually academic sense for some 20 years*, I have useful knowledge of the real science behind the pseudoscience, and I have worked for and with a tantra school, one of the teachers for which is conveniently a housemate. It's a hell of an undertaking, but the groundwork is there already that would make it possible, and I feel it would be useful to the world. I'm giving this some serious thought.

Idea 3. Rethinking my views on long-distance relationships.

Once upon a time I swore I woudn't ever have another long-distance relationship, mostly based on the fact that every time I have done it's caused me immense stress thanks to partners being not okay with polyamory (often after previously having been fine with it). These days I might flirt with an openly poly person who lived a bit further away, but had been keeping them somewhat casual out of wariness. My experience of poly thus far is that it works better when partners are local. Perhaps, though, if the person(s) concerned are poly activists, it might in fact be worth taking that chance? It's not as if I don't have plenty of long-distance friendships. I still can't see myself taking on a new relationship with a person that isn't already poly, though. I just don't have that kind of energy these days. One policy change at a time, I think!

Idea 4. Being a 'Superhero'.

Having watched 'Kick-Ass', (which was awesome and you all want to see it!) I went home thinking about 'if I was a superhero, what would I call myself?' I came up with the name 'Polly Amorous' and was amazed to discover that this was in fact available as a web domain, so I impulse-bought it and am now considering what to put there. Suggestions welcomed!

Two vaguely serious thoughts followed - one related to my post on being SAMOTURE: that actually, we *are* all responsible for the state of the world we live in, and taking the cop-out option to be bystanders in our own lives... well, it just plain sucks.
From the film: "with no power comes no responsibility... except that's not true."
How does one encourage heroism anyway?

Secondly, that poly people often seem to be considered 'other' by the media in the same way that superheroes are. Every article I read lately seems to include some phrase equivalent to 'this is not for the average Joe', whereas I would protest that we are very much normal people, just normal people with one slightly different belief. I really feel the need to challenge that perception.
So... there will no doubt be related rants, cartoons, essays and other stuff on www.PollyAmorous.com - watch this space!

Idea 5. Boobquake! Today!

Encountered on twitter, details are here: http://www.blaghag.com/2010/04/in-name-of-science-i-offer-my-boobs.html
In the name of science I shall be also be trotting around town this evening wearing the most immodest dress I can, and my lovely housemate [livejournal.com profile] getoffmoiland will be joining me. Pics later!

Join the #boobquake on Twitter! For Science!

Next month looks to be equally busy, so I intend to spend much of next week being a 'hermit', attempting to get some artwork done, and getting a little rest in if I can, as well. I shall be remaining in South London, and not allowing people to entice me into town during the evenings, which are always (annoyingly) the most productive part of my day.

Love to everybody!

*For the hyperobservant of you, yes really. I said academic, not in a physical manner. That came a little later.
emanix: (Default)
Frolicon is the coolest event I've ever been to, with the possible exception of my own birthday weekend. 'Adult oriented sci-fi convention' = several days of geeky friendly people *just like us* celebrating, discussing everything under the sun, and partying til dawn. Last year was also the first weekend that [livejournal.com profile] werenerd and I spent as a couple (and were highly amused at the sheer number of people who thought we'd been together for years). We were planning our first anniversary before the weekend was through.

So here we are, going back - I'm so, so excited to celebrate our first year together in a three day party with several hundred awesome people. I am a little sad though, that it means we're leaving all our other loved ones back in the UK this time around. We'd been hoping to take at least some of them with us... Maybe next year!

Back after Easter weekend, so I shall wish you all a very happy Easter (Love, Joy and Bunnies!) and no doubt come back with a few stories to tell.

Love to all



Feb. 14th, 2010 11:26 pm
emanix: (Default)
Not going to TMI here, but possibly the best valentines day ever!

Good food, good booze, good boys, happy bunny.


Sending love and fluffiness to everyone not already accounted for. <3

emanix: (pink hair)
I've not been doing much out of the house lately, having been struggling with the thyroid disease thing - just so tired, all of the time. E and I went away for a couple of weeks just the two of us to recharge batteries, and it did help, but I'm still waiting to feel like myself properly again, and waiting to get my dosage of artificial hormone sorted out, since apparently they started me far too low.
At any rate, I've been doing better, and actually went out over the weekend. I'm not sure I'm going to do it again in a hurry!

Saturday was the bi coffee meet, actually full of nice people, but as I ended up spending more than half my time there explaining and re-explaining my worldview (mainly the bits about poly) it felt like a lot of effort, so I probably won't be going back until I'm bouncy again. I made an entrance though, turning up in full evening dress, which went down rather well!

Why the evening dress? Saturday evening was a trip even further out of my usual bubble, to Cavus's company ball. Boy did I feel old when I realised that we've known each other since 1996, and we *stopped* dating most of a decade ago. It was nice to see him, but I'm more glad than ever that I live in my world and not his. I had an almost panic attack halfway through the evening when I realised I was in amongst a couple of thousand people, none of whom I could be myself around, and I've become so used to not having to censor my speech or my actions that I find it desperately uncomfortable to put myself there again.

Sunday was lovely though, went to see the Wallace Collection with Haydon and Eunice, and Ed caught up with us part way through the day. The restaurant there is expensive, but the food is awesome. I'm hoping to go back at some point for a proper afternoon tea, but it seemed a bit much after having breakfast and lunch there! Oh, and breakfast was proper traditional English style soft boiled eggs (done perfectly!) with toast 'soldiers', and a pot of gorgeous breakfast tea - my favourite thing!

Back in the bubble, the House of Joy is still a place of lovely, and I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I shall rest in its warm and fuzzy embrace until I have the energy to bounce out again.
emanix: (restricted area)
Defining My Terms: 3. Kink* (a.k.a. BDSM)

The third in my series defining some terms that are important to me - these articles are not so much about explaining what these things mean to everybody, but what they mean to me in particular.

I find it interesting, that it was very easy for me to write about bisexuality, but quite hard to put kink into words. It's not that I'm ashamed - I love being a 'pervert', and I've spoken about it publically, for that matter. Putting a finger on what it means to me though, even when it's been a part of my sexuality for as long as I remember - that's tough! Since I find myself wanting to talk more about related things in my journal though, I think it's about time I laid the groundwork!

Cut as probably NSFW )

(*Note: While I'm aware that 'kink' includes things as well as BDSM, such as fetish, I tend to use the terms interchangeably - apologies to anyone offended by fuzzy semantics!)

(Note 2: I'm pleased that nobody's made this assumption, but just to be clear: just because I say I like this particular thing, does not mean I want to do it with everyone. Got that? Good. Now let's go back to having fun!)

I'm sure I've missed things out, so this essay is likely to be edited somewhat. Do feel free to ask (respectful) questions!
emanix: (Default)
I don't really do Christmas, and this year particularly not, having been ill and low on energy for so long, I really didn't have the spoons to do it properly, so no presents, no cards and as little energy into partying as possible (got other people to arrange it for me - yay!). I've been on strike, essentially, staying indoors, resting, having a good stretch of me-time, allowing the world to come to me only in small bites.
But hey, it's a huggy happy time of year, and the days will be getting light again soon, so Merry Christmas to everyone, and I hope you have the best of new years too.

Love to everyone,



Oh, and P.S. The biopsy was confirmed - harmless fibroadenoma. :)
emanix: (Default)
Thanks to everyone who left me comments on my last entry, it's really lovely to know there are so many people out there who care!

I had the ultrasound exam. I always find it easier to trust technicians than doctors, they come across so much more competent to me - and they see the same things every day, unlike the consultants, so I'm happy to accept her opinion that the lump in my armpit is a reactive lymph node (quite why it's reacting now when I seem to be done getting sick, rather than say, when I had flu and then mastitis for months, well that's beyond all of us to know, but that's fine. They also found what they suspect to be a fibroadenoma, which is also a benign thing (and may or may not be related to the having had mastitis)and very efficiently, took a biopsy on the spot to make sure - I should get the results next week.

A biopsy, for those of you who don't know, means sticking a bloody great hollow needle into the side of my boob, and taking a 'core sample', so i'm a bit bruised, and have a bandagey thing that I'm stuck with for three days. The peace of mind will be nice, though.

Busy week this week, and then somehow it's Christmas week already. It's been one hell of a year. Hopefully I'll get a chance to write a bit of a restrospective before it's out.

emanix: (Default)
Couldn't make it up:
Tidying my room ready for tonight's halloween party, I notice a black ladybird, with two single red spots on its shell, crawling down my skylight, looking precisely like a tiny silhouetted skull with glowing red eyes. Now if only I can get it to do that again when the guests are here.

Quite a cool set of  variations on a horror story theme here: http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/spoofs_satire/the_babysitter.php

Still on antibiotics, fighting off non-contagious bug, and a certain other joyful infection that is the constant side-effect of me being on antibiotics. Grr. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's been at least six weeks now. My partners have been ever so patient, but it's driving me nuts as it's death to my sex life.

I have about three hours of guaranteed energy per day at the moment, so little is getting done beyond the basics of feeding myself and keeping clean. I shall be letting others host the party tonight. The good news though, is that I've finally managed to paint again, after such a long hiatus. Result is not quite finished, but links will be posted when it is. There will be bunnies!

Also made it to the candlelit memorial in trafalgar square last night, which I'm glad about, though sad that it seems needed. Hate crime sucks.

Have a spooky night, everbody!



Oct. 17th, 2009 08:20 pm
emanix: (restricted area)
I've been without a partner for a few days, as one is ill and one is out of the country, so I was needing cheering up from all this being run down and on my own, and working too hard to get nowhere.

So I close my eyes and slide my hand under the desk for some 'comfort', and just as I'm thoroughly enjoying myself I hear bangs from outside, and look up to a perfect view of fireworks flashing and twinkling through my skylight window. Clearly, a demonstration of just how good I am!

I'm certainly feeling cheered up now!
emanix: (Default)
Polyday happened on Saturday. After months of planning, plotting, communicating and organising, I still feel like I ought to be crossing my fingers as I speak about it, but it's over for this year, and it went well!

Read more... )

Wishing you all a happy poly year (for those who want it, at least),


emanix: (Default)
Last call for smiling faces on the desk, plus 'tea-minion' for Polyday
(this Saturday!)

Hi all,

It's a fantastic opportunity to meet people, get to know who's who,
and help out the nervous newbies who need pointing in the right
direction (to workshops).

I have a handful of lovely friendly people signed up already, but the
more the merrier - it means everyone gets to see more workshops!

Also I am looking for a replacement for my adorable tea-minion, who
has just let me know she'll be on crutches on the day, so has been
moved to the desk as well. This role involves short bursts of high
energy, manning the tea urn, dispensing tea, coffee and possible hot
chocolate and biscuits, in the gaps between sessions (we'll be
providing disposable cups, so no washing up!)

If you're interested in either or both of these, please email me
directly (theofficialmaxine+polyday@gmail.com) and let me know what you'd like to do, and which workshops
you're most keen to attend (or be on time for, in the case of tea
person) workshop schedule is here:


July 2015



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